


torrents wash away

by peppermintcas



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: M/M, Minor Jessica/Justin, very slightly AU but only because the author is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-12 09:10:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15336579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppermintcas/pseuds/peppermintcas
Summary: The rain.It came in waves, pounding the grass flat and sweeping the pavement, leaving muddy puddles where it washed the dust to the ground. Wind rustled through leaves and grass and through screens, thrown open in a desperate attempt to catch any hint of breeze.“Damn,” Zach said. He pulled at his tank top. “Now it’s fucking humid.”





	torrents wash away

**Author's Note:**

> i fucked up the show's timeline and thought they were in senior year don't @ me i know

It was summer, and it was bright and dry and hot: the ground baking under the heat, the air heavy. Even the sky held its breath. Everything lay still, playing dead, waiting for rejuvenation.

The rain.

It came in waves, pounding the grass flat and sweeping the pavement, leaving muddy puddles where it washed the dust to the ground. Wind rustled through leaves and grass and through screens, thrown open in a desperate attempt to catch any hint of breeze.

“Damn,” Zach said. He pulled at his tank top. “Now it’s fucking humid.”

Alex leaned against the windowsill, peering out at the rain. “It broke the heat wave, though,” he said. “And I like the rain.”

“Of course you do,” Zach said, and the fondness he heard in his voice embarrassed him. He coughed. “Are you playing or what?”

Alex stayed at the window. “Give me a second,” he said, and Zach put down the controller and leaned back on the bed and watched, Alex silhouetted against the bank of storm clouds, the rain, the lush green of the trees.

It was summer.

Nothing would be the same again.

/

“Jess broke up with me,” Alex said, as soon as Zach walked in.

Zach blinked. And then he blinked again, because he couldn’t have heard that right. “I’m sorry,” he said. “What?”

“Jess,” Alex repeated, “broke up with me.”

He sounded so hopeless. “Why?” Zach asked, confused.

“Because,” Alex said, “she’s been sleeping with Justin for the past month.”

Zach stared at him. “Are you serious?”

Alex laughed humorlessly. He was in one of his button-down shirts, the top two buttons undone and the shirttails untucked, the sleeves pushed up carelessly. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’m serious.”

Zach thought about Justin, about how he’d been avoiding Zach for the past few weeks, the furtive, sketchy way he’d acted around Jess at their graduation party. “Wow,” he said. “That is kind of fucked up.”

Alex put his head in his hands and breathed very deeply. “And they hooked up at the dance – where me and Jess were dates, literally each other’s dates – and – ”

Zach sat down beside Alex on the bed and glanced over at him, hesitantly. He was staring down at his lap, his leg jittering up and down. After a moment, he said, “I don’t know what to – I just don’t know.”

Zach asked, “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” Alex said. “It’s just – I didn’t think she would do this to me. I thought we were – ” He bit his lip, looked away. “I don’t know. I thought we were – good. Finally.”

A tear slid down his face. Alex reached up, wiped it away. They were quiet for a second.

“And of course it was Justin,” he said, brittle. He sighed. “Like, of course I lost out to fucking – Justin Foley, again, for the second time in a row. It’s like God was like, _Hey, let’s fucking rub this one in_.”

Zach said, “Hey.”

Alex looked at him. “Am I wrong?”

“You don’t – it’s not – ” Coherency had fled him. He said, lamely, “You’re not losing out.”

“Aren’t I?” Alex fumbled for his cane and stood up, fast. “I can’t blame her. At least Justin has two fucking functioning legs. I’m so fucking broken, it’s not even funny.”

“Alex – ”

“I’ve got these scars on my head and – _in_ my head – who the fuck would want this?”

Zach looked at him and didn’t know how to tell him. How he’d take Alex the way he was, scars and all, limp and all: every part of him. His blue eyes. His little alien tattoo. He wanted it. He’d _been_ wanting it.

Alex had gone on like he hadn’t even noticed Zach’s silence. “God, I’m sick of this,” he said. “Sick of – drama, and Jessica, and my stupid fucking body. Let’s just – let’s just go to PT.”

Zach blinked. “You sure you don’t want to plead, like, emotional distress?”

“No,” Alex said. “Distract me. Get my mind off this. Please.”

“We can get ice cream after,” Zach said. He stood and pulled Alex into a long hug. “It’ll be okay,” he said quietly.

Alex didn’t reply.

/

 **Jessica:** alex i’m really sorry okay. i fucked up i know i did

 **Jessica:** alex? u gonna be ok?

/

Zach was lucky to have Alex. That he knew.

It wasn’t the worst year of his life, really. That was still reserved for last year. Last summer, when his dad – but there had been times this year when he thought, hollowly, that this year could’ve given last summer a run for its money. He’d been slowly, quietly going out of his mind with grief and guilt and shame, his memories of that summer and Hannah tangling inextricably with her tape, her blame. While everyone was bickering around him about the tapes, the subpoenas, evidence and trials and this entire fucking mess getting dragged, kicking and screaming, out into the light – while all that was happening, he felt himself getting cold, and angry, and then feeling the grief like a lightning strike all over again and then not feeling at all, and it was starting to get to be so much, too much –

And then Alex had shot himself.

The shock of it was like being doused in cold water. He’d woken up. He’d sobbed in bed, unable to stop, the tears coming like water breaking through a dam; he pulled his comforter up around his shoulders and curled into himself and cried. He hadn’t even cried this much after his dad died – he’d just walled it off, stone-faced and solemn and miserable. These were tears for his dad and for Hannah as much as they were for Alex; tears for himself, too, for how empty and scared and lonely he’d been since sophomore year. And then he just lay there, occasionally wiping at his eyes, feeling dizzy and light and aching, aching, his eyes sore, his chest wracked with pangs of grief.

And then he got up. And he went to the florist’s, and bought flowers and a card, and drove to the hospital.

“Alex isn’t awake right now,” the nurse said.

“I know,” he said. He couldn’t help the way his voice came out thick, desperate. “I know. Can you just – leave them in his room for when he wakes up? Please?”

The nurse had studied him. “Okay, kid,” she said, gently, and lifted the flowers out of his hands.

He was there when Alex woke up. He was there when Alex took his first steps out of bed. He drove Alex to Monet’s for the first time after leaving the hospital. He visited, countless times. He offered to help with PT. Alex seemed to sense how desperately Zach needed this – to help, to pour his time and care and love into something, anyone, someone – and bemusedly accepted it.

He thought that really, he’d needed Alex just as much in the aftermath as Alex needed him.

“Your move,” Alex said.

He blinked. Monopoly reconfigured itself in front of him into messy stacks of cards and cash. Alex was flicking through the colorful bills in his hands, looking peeved. “God,” he said. “You’re robbing me blind here, Dempsey.”

Zach leaned across the board to scoop up the dice and ruffled Alex’s hair. He felt tender, his chest stretched tight and burning. Alex smiled at him, nonplussed.

“What was that for?” he asked.

Zach sat back. “Thank you,” he said simply.

Alex’s mouth quirked. “Okay,” he said. “You’re welcome.”

/

“Hey,” Zach said, jingling the keys. “I’m going to Giant, you wanna come?”

May looked away from the TV. “What for?” she asked.

“You can get gummies, chips, whatever you want. I won’t tell Mom.”

May launched herself off the couch and ran for her shoes.

Zach was gliding through the aisles, barely paying attention to the shelves around him or to May’s incessant chatter, when he nearly ran into a guy standing in the middle of the aisle. He was wearing a blue varsity jacket, which was the only reason Zach had noticed him – that spot of color among the drab shelves. “Sorry,” he said automatically, and the guy turned around and said, “Oh shit, my bad,” and then both of them stopped and stared.

“Uh,” Justin said. “Hi.”

“Hey, man,” Zach said.

May said, almost accusingly, “You said a curse word.”

“Uh,” Justin said. “Sorry. I mean, it’s not that bad of a – ”

Zach shot him a glance.

“Uh. Yeah, no, okay. Sorry.”

May was looking judgmentally at Justin, like that curse word had overridden everything she knew about him, and Zach said, quickly, “Hey, why don’t you go get your candy?”

She scowled at him, like she knew he was only saying that to send her away. “Sure,” she said, the skepticism clear in her voice, but she stomped her way out of the aisle across the store.

Zach blew out a breath. “How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been – uh.” Justin shifted his feet. “I’ve been hanging out with Jessica a lot.”

Zach raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, I noticed.”

Now Justin looked at him. His hands were buried in his pockets. He always looked so vulnerable, Zach reflected. Like a kicked puppy. It was hard not to feel – something, for him. Pity, maybe. A disposition towards kindness. Zach had been Justin’s friend for a while and had often felt both.

“Yeah,” Justin said. “This whole thing was really shitty of us, man. I’m – I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you should be saying it to.”

Justin’s expression became mournful.

“Hey, look,” Zach said. “I don’t hold grudges on behalf of my friends. I’m not mad at you or anything. It was pretty fucked up. And Alex was really fucked up. Like, really fucking upset.”

Justin winced.

Zach took a deep breath. “But it’s none of my business,” Zach said, and he meant it. “Okay? It’s chill.”

He’d stayed friends with Justin through worse, really. And who did he have? Bryce and the rest of the team had abandoned him. He’d run away from home. Right now, with Clay and the Jensens and Jessica – it was probably the most he’d had in a long, long time.

Justin watched him for a moment, like he wasn’t sure if he was joking or not. Then he relaxed, ever so slightly. “Okay,” he said, cautiously. “Alright.”

Zach shifted his weight. “So, uh, how’ve you been, for real? We haven’t hung out in a while, dude. We gotta get together.”

Justin said, “I’ve been – fine.” He smiled, a little tentative. “We should play Halo at your place again. We haven’t done that in a while.”

“Oh shit,” Zach said, laughing, “you’re right. Remember the tournament we had in sophomore year?”

“Yeah, and how I kicked all your asses?”

“Oh, fuck off.”

“You’re just jealous, Dempsey.”

May ran back around the corner. “Got them,” she said, and dumped her pack of Scooby Doo gummies triumphantly in the cart.

“Scooby Doo,” Justin said approvingly. “Nice.”

She looked at him. Justin’s grin faltered under her gaze.

Zach coughed. “I gotta move, but it was good seeing you, alright?”

Justin smiled at him, real and genuine and friendly, and returned Zach’s offered fist bump.  “I’m serious about that Halo game,” Zach said. “Text me, dude.”

“Thanks,” Justin said, “see you,” and Zach smiled at him and clapped a hand on his shoulder as he left.

/

 **Jessica:** alex please text back. i’m worried about u and I just want to know you’re gonna be ok.

/

“Hi,” May said, shyly.

“Hey there,” Alex said. He was leaning against Zach’s door, his bag slung over his back; when Zach turned to look over his shoulder, he was smiling at May, warm. Zach bit his lip and went back to rummaging for his trunks. “How’s chess going?”

“She gets better every time,” Zach said absently, frowning at his closet.

May rolled her eyes in a burst of spirit. “He keeps letting me win.” To Zach, she said, “Mom washed your swimsuit, it’s in the dryer.”

“Fu – _uh_ , Goddammit.” Zach swung his closet door closed and grabbed his bag. “Alright, well, I’ll go get it.”

“It’s not dry yet,” May objected.

“It’s just gonna get wet again.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Alex said mildly.

May giggled.

Zach opened the rattling dryer and pulled out his shorts. They were only a little damp in the pockets, and he really was just going to get it wet again. He stowed them in his bag as May watched with equal parts horror and fascination. “Alright, we’re out. Thanks, May.”

She lingered. “Are you coming back for dinner?” she asked.

“I’ll be back,” Zach said.

“Not you,” she said. She looked hopeful. “I meant Alex.”

Alex raised his eyebrows and looked at Zach, who looked back, trying not to smile. “If you want me to,” he said.

“Uh,” she said. Shyness seemed to overtake her. “Okay.”

Alex said, smiling, “Then yes, sure.”

“Okay!” she said, and slammed the door behind them.

Zach laughed, and Alex grinned back. “Your sister is adorable,” he said, limping down the front steps.

“Wow,” Zach said. “Look at you. You’re finally meeting the parents.”

“Are we at that stage in our relationship?”

“I think we probably should be,” Zach said, and slid into the car.

/

 **Alex:** im fine jess

 **Alex:** u can move on! u don’t have to worry about me anymore!

/

“Thirty more seconds,” Zach said.

“Fuck you,” Alex said, breathless.

The sun poured through the water, casting their shadows onto the bottom of the pool. Alex was paddling on the bike, his face set and his brow furrowed in concentration. Zach watched him, idly, noting the muscles moving in his bad arm, his back, if he looked too tense, if he was in pain.

Alex said, “My eyes are up here, you know.”

Zach splashed water at him. Alex splashed right back. “Hasn’t it been thirty?” he asked.

“Oh,” Zach said. He glanced at the stopwatch. “Yup. You’re done.”

Alex immediately went boneless and slumped off the bike into the water. “Thank God,” he said, and swam lazily for the wall.

Zach, instead of following, ducked under the ropes and into a lane. He’d always liked swimming. A little more than baseball, even. He was the right build for it – broad, tall, with the shoulders of a swimmer. It was a good summer sport. And he’d always liked being here, in the water, alone with his thoughts and the blue of the water and the physical exertion of getting the strokes perfect

His mom hadn’t let him swim. “You’ll get too dark,” she said. “Pick something else, Zachary.”

When he surfaced back at the side of the pool, Alex was sitting in a chair, his towel wrapped around him. He’d been watching. “Show-off,” he said, with a wry smile.

Zach propped himself up on the ledge. “Soon you’ll be swimming laps too,” he said, grinning. “I’ll make you do them.”

“Hah,” Alex said. He sat back and closed his eyes.

“You think I’m kidding,” Zach said.

“Oh God,” Alex said, without opening his eyes. “Coach, I think I suddenly just regressed. Can’t do it. Don’t want to do it.”

Zach hauled himself out of the pool. Rummaging in his bag, he asked, too casual, stilted, “Hey, uh. How’re things?”

“Good,” Alex said. He looked at Zach. “It’s been two weeks, you know. You can stop asking like that.”

“Like what?” Zach asked, wounded.

“Like you’re afraid of breaking me,” Alex said. “I’ll be okay. I think.”

“Did you text her back?”

Alex’s mouth tightened. “Maybe,” he said, finally.

“What’d you say?” Zach shouldered his bag.

Alex sighed. “Just that I’d be okay,” he said. “That she didn’t need to worry about me anymore.”

Zach frowned at him. “You’re not, like – a burden or something that needs to be passed on.”

“Fuck off, Zach,” Alex said, shortly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Zach sighed and let it go. “You wanna go to Monet’s? May wants a frappuccino.”

Alex picked up his bag. The tension receded from his shoulders. “Oh my God,” he said, starting for the locker room. “Maybe I can get a muffin with, like, sugar in it.”

“I’ll treat you if you do laps next week,” Zach offered hopefully.

Alex considered. “Two muffins,” he said. “And a bag of Sour Patch to keep in your car.”

“Fine,” Zach said. “But you’re doing these laps without complaint.”

Alex pushed through the locker room doors with a smile. “No guarantees,” he said.

Zach reflected begrudgingly on the fact that he’d probably do a lot for that smile. “I’ll take it, Standall,” he said, and went to go shower.

/

 **Jessica:** that’s not what i meant but

 **Jessica:**....i’m just glad you’re ok.

/

Alex ran his fingers over his scar. It was so fucking unmistakable, that ridge of tissue pronouncing just how fucked up he was to the world. There was no getting rid of it. He would have this forever, he thought. A reminder, always. In the mirror, his reflection stared pensively back at him.

“Hey, Alex, let’s go,” Zach said, before he registered what Alex was doing. Alex, for his part, jerked his hand away from his hair. Zach looked at him, his expression unfathomable.

“You good?” he asked, after a long, interminable silence.

“Fucking fantastic,” Alex said. He made to turn around, to leave, but Zach had stepped up into his path to block his way.

“Alex,” Zach said.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Alex said.

“Just tell me,” Zach said. “Honestly. Are you okay?”

“I was just… ” Alex looked at his hand. “Remembering.”

Zach reached out, hesitantly, and Alex let him. He traced his fingertips over the line of puckered tissue; Alex could barely feel it. He was standing so close. His hand was in Alex’s _hair_.

Alex took a breath. “It’s just a reminder,” he said. “An ugly, awful reminder. I regret it, Zach. Believe me.”

Zach looked him in the eye and nodded. His eyes were dark and hooded and close at this distance.

“Come on,” Alex said. “Let’s go.”

/

 **Jessica:** like i said…….u were my best friend, alex. i didn’t want it to end ugly.

 **Jessica:** it’s selfish

 **Jessica:** but i really hoped that that wouldn’t change. i wanted us to stay friends.

/

They’d been at the pool, Zach splashing in and trying to drag Alex after him. Jessica was there too, in a bikini top and shorts and sunglasses, and she was laughing and laughing and laughing like Alex hadn’t heard in – forever. Zach was trying to keep from laughing too. “Alex,” he said, “you’re gonna have to get in sometime. You put your cane down and everything. Time to go.”

Alex turned away from Jess and rolled his eyes at him. “Yeah, well, maybe I want to be up here in the sun a little longer – ”

“Quit stalling,” Jessica said, from right behind him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled.

“Alright, so maybe PT isn’t so appealing right now,” he said, and turned and kissed her on the cheek.

Zach cooed. “Aw. Come here, Alex, I’ll make PT just as _appealing_.”

Jessica laughed, right in his ear, and Alex had to smile too. “Fuck you, Zach,” he said, and turned to wrap his arms around her –

And she pushed him into the water.

Alex spat chlorine when he surfaced. “ _Traitor_ ,” he said.

“It’s for your own good,” Jess told him sweetly.

Zach came up behind him and bonked him with a kickboard. “Thank you, Jess,” he said. “Let’s go, Standall. A minute, warmup.”

/

 **Alex:** idk jess

 **Alex:** give me some time. please.

 **Jessica:** ok. fair.

 **Jessica:** but it’s the summer before college and i’m leaving cali next year and like………i wanted this summer to be good. i wanted to make memories, u know?

 **Alex:** lol

 **Alex:** should’ve thought of that before u cheated on me

/

Monet’s was filled with people – high school students skipping school, graduated seniors, soccer moms. “You want to get all this stuff to go?” Zach asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Alex said distractedly. He was scanning the shop. The Hannah Baker memorial sign was still up on the wall, the colors a bit dusty now. His words were up there. He thought he was being clever but it seemed a little crass, now; he saw Zach’s handwriting. _Be kind_.

“Yeah, and a frappuccino,” Zach was saying. He pulled out his wallet.

“Hey,” Alex said. “You think anyone will notice if I change what I wrote?”

“Don’t think anyone would care,” Zach said absently. “Why, what’d you write?”

“Uh,” Alex said. “Well, I read yours, and now I’m embarrassed to say.”

Zach laughed and took the muffins he’d bought. “Here you go,” he said, “blueberry muffin. I’m sure it’s not that bad.”

Alex pointed. “‘ _Don’t be an asshole_ ,’” he said, dryly.

Zach looked up at the wall. “A little on the nose,” he said, smiling, “but it’s not like you’re wrong.”

“I like yours,” Alex said. They were standing close, Zach’s shoulder against Alex’s, a steady presence. He smelled like Old Spice and chlorine and coffee. “I wish I’d written something – nicer.”

“White mocha and a chocolate chip frap,” the barista called.

Zach collected his drinks. “It’s alright,” he said. “There’s plenty of sentiment up there. You want to come back to my place and chill?”

Alex scoffed. “You’re just asking for me to destroy you in Mario Kart again.”

“Mario Kart is an art,” Zach said primly, shouldering the door open, “that I am slowly mastering.”

“In your – dreams.” Alex stopped.

Jessica and Justin were outside. They were coming into Monet’s. They were coming in the door that Zach was holding open, smiling, thanking him. Zach had been smiling, but now he was looking at Alex like he was scared he might fall apart.

Jessica immediately let go of Justin’s hand. That was the first thing Alex saw. That quick motion, her hand falling behind her back.

“Hey,” Alex said. He hated how softly it came out.

“Hey,” Jessica said.

Justin and Zach were having a silent conversation of their own: Zach was raising an eyebrow at him. Justin looked at him, looked at Alex; looked away, down at his feet. He’d stepped back, behind Jess.

Jess bit her lip. Then she moved forward, through the door. She was wearing a tank top and shorts and her hair was up, tied back, and he could see the bikini string around her neck and the tan lines, the sunglasses, and he didn’t want to think about the beach – where she’d taken him and apparently, now, Justin. “It’s been – yeah,” Jessica said, and touched his shoulder, fast, like she was afraid he’d shy away. “I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “See you.”

/

 **Jessica:** ouch.

 **Jessica:** lmao.

 **Alex:** i wanna say im kidding but im kind of not

/

He got into the car and didn’t say anything.

Zach closed the door. Carefully, he asked, “You good?”

“You have to stop asking me that,” Alex said.

“I feel like this time it’s justified,” Zach said. “You’re squishing your muffin, by the way.”

Alex glanced down at the muffin slowly crumbling in his hands and sighed. He put it down. “I’m fine,” he said.

“Really?” Zach asked.

“Really,” Alex said. “She doesn’t – they’re – whatever. It’s fine. I’ve – made my peace.”

Zach hesitated. Through the window of Monet’s, he could see Justin and Jessica, standing a foot apart in line and shooting furtive glances at each other.

“Just drive,” Alex said, and he put the car into gear and did.

/

Dinner was quiet. Alex was polite to Zach’s mom, answered all her questions and cleaned his plate, but Zach could tell Alex wanted to sit somewhere quiet and maybe curl up in a ball. Even May sensed it; she rolled her peas back and forth, glancing at Alex curiously.

“Hey,” Zach said, cutting in before his mom could ask another question. “Mom, dinner was great, thank you. But Alex really needs to get home.”

His mom shot him a glance, but she let it go. “Alright,” she said. “It was nice to sit down and have dinner with you, Alex. Zach talks a lot about you.”

Alex started laughing and hastily disguised it as a cough. “Thanks, Mrs. Dempsey.”

“Okay,” Zach said, pulling Alex out of his seat. “Let’s go, you can put your dish in the sink.”

“Bye, Alex!” May called.

“Bye, May,” Alex said, and smiled at her, warm.

Zach led the way up the stairs. “Sorry about my mom,” he said, low.

“No,” Alex said. “It’s okay. She’s really nice.”

Zach raised his eyebrows.

“Hah,” Alex said. “Thanks for getting me out of there.”

“No problem,” Zach said, and patted his arm reassuringly. “You wanna get your stuff?”

Alex collected his bag and they went back down the stairs, slow. Zach put Alex’s things in the backseat. Alex climbed into the passenger seat, wincing, as he always did after PT; Zach slid in behind the wheel and turned on the car.

There was silence.

Zach sighed, exhausted, and thumped his head against the headrest.

Alex looked over at him. They smiled at each other, a little helplessly.

“Whew,” Zach said, and backed out into the night.

/

They were already fighting on their way to the restaurant. Alex had been insecure over some dumb, shitty thing – he doesn’t even remember now, it was probably something to do with his cane – and Jessica had rolled her eyes and he’d taken offense, and it was all so petty and shitty now that he didn’t even want to think about it.

“You don’t take any of this seriously,” he’d said, furiously.

“Oh my God, Alex,” she said. “Calm down. I’m not trying to belittle you, I’m sorry.”

“All my shit – it’s a burden and I know and I’m sorry, but like I thought we’d be able to talk it out instead of being petty with one another – ”

“Alex,” she said, cutting through his monologue. “Listen. I’m sorry and I love you, but really, can you chill the fuck out?”

And that’d led to more rage, and more sullen silences, and maybe – Alex thought to himself, lying there in bed – maybe it had been for the best. It hadn’t been just the last two weeks. It was before that, even, the little spats piling up and leading to bigger arguments, ones that took longer and longer to unspool. What did it say about them, Alex wondered, that they hadn’t even lasted three months this time?

He would always remember the first time they’d gotten together as perfect. They’d been made for each other, soulmates that had found their match, humor and affection slotting perfectly into place. When she was dating Justin, he’d always been the better choice, the spurned but deserving ex – they’d had more inside jokes, he thought, spitefully, and she’d confided in him even when she and Justin were together. Jess preferred him. Obviously.

But he’d forgotten: how she didn’t want to have sex. How he’d been the one to break up with her. How they’d come up with ways to make each other stupidly, uselessly jealous near the end of it, to the point of tears.

He wondered, futilely and guiltily, if he’d driven her to cheat on him. He wondered if life was going to be this for as long as he lived: taking off rose-colored glasses, staving off nostalgia.

It was a humbling and terrible thought.

 **Alex:** so are u and justin dating again?

It was absolutely none of his business, and as soon as he hit send he dropped his phone like it had burned him. The typing dots appeared. Typical. Two in the morning and she was still up on her phone. He tried not to feel the rush of familiar fondness. He tried not to feel – anything.

 **Jessica:** no…

He was filled with a petty and vindictive glee, against his better instincts. He pushed it down.

 **Jessica:** i’m not ready to date. i knew it and i put u thru it anyway

 **Jessica:** i’m sorry for that.

 **Jessica:** i’m going to the east coast anyway it wouldn’t have worked

 **Alex:** i don’t……regret any of the time we spent together. against all odds. maybe I should but

 **Alex:** idk

 **Alex:** it was alright. while it lasted.

 **Jessica:** lol. yeah i guess

 **Jessica:** what are u doing up so late

 **Alex:** thinking

 **Jessica:** …yeah. same.

 **Jessica:** it was nice seeing u at monet’s… i’m glad ur hanging out with zach he’s good to u

 **Alex:** he’s making me do laps next week he’s not good to me at all

 **Alex:** did u go to the beach with justin before monet’s

 **Jessica:** really alex

 **Alex:** just asking

 **Jessica:** yes. fine i did.

 **Alex:** ok

 **Jessica:** ………are u mad?

 **Alex:** not really. just kinda sad

 **Jessica:** i think that’s worse

 **Alex:** sorry

 **Jessica:** oh god no don’t apologize

There was a pause in the conversation. Alex typed out three different messages and deleted them all, one by one.

 **Jessica:** i feel so shitty about what happened

 **Alex:** about cheating?

 **Jessica:** yeah

 **Jessica:** it was a dumb choice and i should’ve known better

 **Jessica:** alex u there? sorry if this got too……idk

 **Alex:** ok but then why did u do it

 **Jessica:** ………i don’t know

 **Jessica:** we were fighting a lot and justin was just……easier. he didn’t expect anything of me and he was so gentle with me

 **Jessica:** not to say u weren’t. but………yeah.

 **Alex:** good to know

 **Jessica:** yeah……

 **Jessica:** penny for ur thoughts?

 **Alex:** just…………i wish i’d been gentler i guess

 **Jessica:** do u wanna talk about this in person instead of texting

 **Jessica:** alex? u there?

/

Alex swore as he got hit by a red shell. While he was busy spinning it out, he looked at Zach’s screen, looked at Zach – concentrating so hard, so intently, white-knuckled on the controller – and said, “Jess wants to meet up.”

“Really?” Zach asked absently, and then glanced over as he realized what Alex had said. “Wait, really?” he asked, and in the few seconds he wasn’t looking at the screen, he hit a banana.

Alex sped over the finish line as Zach swore, trying not to fall off the road. “ _Fuck_ ,” he said. “Did you time that?”

“Maybe,” Alex said smugly, and tossed his controller aside. They were sitting side by side on Alex’s bed, their shoulders brushing, Zach’s arm dark against Alex’s freckles and sunburn. He said, “We’ve been texting.”

Zach regained control and sped back onto the course. “Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Alex said. “I think – we needed this.”

Zach finished fifth – all these Mario Kart tournaments and he still couldn’t make even third place – and dropped his controller on the desk chair. “I’m glad, then,” he said.

“I think I should meet up with her,” Alex said. He laid back on his bed and stared up at the ceiling, his mind in a fog of Jessica and summer and coffee and Zach.

“Maybe,” Zach said. “It’d be nice to work out your shit face to face, you know?”

It was the middle of July and hot, dry as hell. The school year was already receding, as distant as a dream. It was time, Alex felt, to put their shit behind them. “Monet’s?” Alex asked.

“I like it.” The bed creaked as Zach sprawled out next to him. “Very safe. Very neutral territory.”

Alex looked to the side and found himself staring straight into Zach’s eyes. They were very brown, and deep, and Zach’s face was striped by the sun spilling through the blinds so they were glowing. He noticed the faint imprint of freckles on Zach’s face and felt the urge to press his thumb to them, to wipe those few marks off his face.

There had been a conversation going on here.

“Oh,” Alex said, belatedly. “Yeah. That’s what I was thinking.”

Zach’s eyes crinkled at the edges.

Sometimes, Alex wondered, did Zach – did he feel –

Zach tucked his arm under his head, making himself comfortable among the mess of blankets and pillows. “I can’t wait to get out of here,” he said, breaking the silence.

“Out of – my house?”

Zach snickered at him. “Out of this town,” he said. “Out of Evergreen and San Jose and California. Away from all the drama. No offense.”

Alex waved it aside. “You know,” he mused, “most people want to come to California.”

“None of those people live here,” Zach said. “Evergreen is fucking claustrophobic, that’s what it is.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. He propped himself up on his elbow. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I wish I could get out of here, too. You have no idea.”

Zach looked up at him. “I didn’t want to ask, but, uh – what are your plans for next year, dude?”

Alex looked at him and found that he didn’t know how to answer.

He hadn’t planned on making it to next year. He hadn’t planned on making it to this summer, in fact, and had the cane and the limp and the scars to show for it. His college applications, as a result, had been – lackluster. His mom and dad hadn’t asked, clearly hadn’t wanted to pressure him, but they’d been having quiet conversations behind his back. He’d found a pamphlet about community college on his desk, one day after school, but he’d tossed it aside without wanting to think about it. At dinner that night, his mom had looked at him, anxious, her brow furrowed like she wasn’t sure whether to ask.

In the end, she’d gone back to her dinner.

He didn’t know how to tell Zach – any of this.

“I don’t know,” Alex said, finally. “I really don’t know.”

Zach looked at him – a little embarrassed, maybe. “Have you thought about it?” he asked. “Did you apply?”

“I did,” he said. “I applied to the UC schools. And a liberal arts college or two. But I didn’t even know what I wanted to study.”

“Did you get into any?”

“UC Santa Barbara,” he said. “Not any of the others.” And then, “I didn’t really – I wasn’t exactly trying.”

Zach’s brow furrowed.

Alex took a deep breath. “Zach,” he said, “I didn’t even think I would be going to college by then.”

His face crumpled entirely. “Oh,” Zach said, his voice low and terrible. “Jesus, Alex.”

He didn’t know how to deal with – this. “It just means that I don’t have many options this fall, that’s all,” he tried. Deflecting. Avoiding. Anything to get that expression off Zach’s face. “I’ve got – community college, probably, that’s what I’m gonna do.”

“Alex,” Zach said, ignoring him completely. He reached out and dragged Alex into his arms. Alex let out a muffled squawk of protest. His arm was twisted awkwardly under him and his face was smushed into Zach’s shirt; he had to shuffle to get his hands between them, pressed between their chests, and tilted his face up to breathe. Zach’s chin was trembling.

“Dude,” Alex said, quietly. “Are you – crying?”

In response, Zach wrapped his arms around Alex’s shoulders and buried his face in his hair.

“Oh,” Alex said. He hadn’t expected this. He hadn’t known what to expect – a bracing response, maybe. A pep talk. Tentatively, he slid an arm around Zach’s waist. Dropped his head, so that he was breathing into Zach’s shirt again.

It was quiet for a while.

“Sorry,” Zach said. His voice was a little raspy.

“No, don’t apologize,” Alex said. “I’m sorry for – bringing this up, I guess.”

“I started it,” Zach said. His hand came up to card through Alex’s hair. He refused – absolutely refused – to lean up into it. “Your hair’s a little, uh, wet.”

Alex huffed. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Zach said.

Silence, again, but different from the first. Alex closed his eyes and leaned into Zach’s chest, his hand tracing idle circles on his sternum. Zach pressed his face back into Alex’s hair and kept carding his hand through it. He was aware of himself, of all the places they were touching, everything sharp and hot and alive.

He was glad he wasn’t dead.

He was glad.

He was glad.

He moved his legs so that one was slotted between Zach’s, pressing up between his thighs, pressing up, and his face started to burn.

Zach’s heart was pounding. This Alex could feel, under his fingertips, loud and rushing against his ear. Alex nearly stopped, then, too out of his mind with nerves to go any further, but Zach’s hand was on his side, his thigh coming up, too, to slot between Alex’s legs. It was wordless and tentative and fumbling. Alex’s shirt had ridden up and Zach’s hand was gentle and burning hot on his skin.

He was dizzy. He took a breath, deep and shaky, and hesitated. If he spoke, Alex was certain, if he opened his mouth and let words spill out of his mouth, the spell would be broken. And then Zach would get up and look at him strangely, like he was a foreign thing, and pick up his things and leave and Alex would be left here with his scars and his loneliness.

He didn’t say a word.

Zach’s hand skated further up. It was on his side and then under his shirt, Zach’s fingertips tripping over his ribs, leaving adrenaline in their wake. Alex had never been so awake in his life. He breathed. He kept breathing as Zach abandoned his shirt, his torso, and rested his hand on Alex’s neck instead, his thumb just brushing his jaw.

Alex opened his eyes and tilted his head back to look up into Zach’s face. He was looking down, his expression broken open in wonder and so transparent that Alex could see every thought in his face. Alex swallowed. It was intimidating to be met with such honesty. He didn’t know what to do with it. He thought to himself, _I cannot afford to be careless with this_.

Zach’s eyes were very soft.

Alex curled his hand in Zach’s shirt and pulled, a question, and Zach propped himself up on one elbow in response. He slid his hand up onto Alex’s cheek, thumb on his cheekbone, middle finger pressed behind his ear, the palm of his hand soft and flat on his cheek, a perfect constellation of tiny fires, burning. Alex laid his hand flat against Zach’s chest, solid and broad and warm, and felt his heart beating.

Zach leaned forward, his eyes half-lidded, closing, and Alex closed his eyes and opened his mouth and then they were kissing.

God.

 _God_.

/

 **Justin:** so about halo

/

 **Jessica:** monet’s sounds good

 **Jessica:** friday?

 **Alex:** yeah that works

He put his phone down. The windows were open, the night air cool on Alex’s arms. He shivered and pulled his legs up onto the seat.

“Are you cold?” Zach asked. “I can roll up the windows.”

“No,” Alex said. “It’s good. It feels good.”

Silence. Even the radio was off. Alex could feel Zach shooting glances at him, hesitating, but Alex bit his lip and looked away. They pulled up to Alex’s driveway and Zach cut the engine and rolled up the windows, shutting them into their small little world: Zach’s Audi, him, and Zach. He wet his lips.

“Alex?” Zach asked, and his voice was small and tentative.

A pause.

Alex said, quietly, “I…I think I want to kiss you again.”

Zach inhaled, slow. His eyes never left Alex’s face.

“I think,” Alex said, “I want you to kiss me again.”

Zach leaned forward and put his forehead against Alex’s shoulder, his hair falling in his eyes. “God,” he said, breathlessly. “You’re killing me.”

Alex nearly laughed. Instead, he undid his seatbelt and turned in the seat to face Zach and put his hands on his face, drawing him upwards, and leaned his forehead against his. It was a long moment before Zach leaned up and kissed him, gently. They stayed like that, soft, lingering, neither of them wanting to be the first to pull away.

/

If he closed his eyes, he could still feel Alex’s breath on his lips.

“Zach?” May appeared from around the corner. “Will you play chess with me?”

“Hmm?” He blinked, came to. He had been toeing off his shoes and dumping his keys on the table completely on autopilot. He had had other things on his mind. “Oh. Sure.”

May was eyeing him strangely. “Are you okay?” she asked skeptically.

“I’m daydreaming,” he said, and smiled.

“Daydreaming about what?”

“Things,” Zach said enigmatically.

She followed him down the hall. “You’re in a good mood,” she observed.

“Am I usually not?”

There was a pause, long enough that Zach swung around to look at her. “Not a bad mood,” May said. She was biting her lip. “Just – not happy. Sad. And quiet. Ever since – ”

Zach felt a lump in his throat, sudden and painful. Her eyes were too bright to be just the reflection from the chandelier. She was too young to remember their dad forever – he’d fade from her memory, slowly but surely – but for now, everything about that summer was imprinted into both their minds.

“I’m glad you’re happy now,” she told him, earnest.

“Jesus, come here,” he said, rough, and pulled her in for a hug. She put her arms around him and laid her head on his chest, too young to be embarrassed about her affections. He would miss it once she turned into a full-fledged teenager. Into her hair he said, quiet, “Thank you.”

She patted his shoulder. “You’re welcome,” she said, muffled.

He took a deep breath. And then he pulled away and ruffled her hair, letting her shriek and slap his hand away. “Okay,” he said. “Let’s go play chess.”

/

 **Zach:** if today doesn’t work for u we can do saturday?

 **Justin:** nah it’s chill today is good

 **Justin:** what time are u coming

 **Zach:** i’m helping alex with pt until 2:30 and then i have to drop him off and then i’m free after

 **Justin:** he could come

 **Justin:** if he wants

 **Zach:** he’s meeting with jess today actually

 **Zach:** no big deal dude he can always come next time

/

Zach said, “You did seven laps. Almost a full set!”

“I can’t feel my arms,” Alex said.

“That’s a good thing,” Zach said cheerfully. “That means it’s working.”

“Ugh,” Alex said, but he turned to Zach and smiled, tired, obviously happy. Zach grinned back. Glanced around to make sure they were alone in the locker room, quick, before crowding Alex up against the lockers, his hands coming up at Alex’s hips, right above his swim trunks.

“I’m proud of you,” Zach told him.

“Thanks,” Alex said, dry.

Zach grinned at him. Alex was smiling, a quiet and tiny little smirk, and he dropped his cane to the side and reached up to brush Zach’s hair out of his face. Zach leaned into his hand and Alex’s eyes softened and he cupped Zach’s face and drew him down, gentle, soft.

It was warm and heated and electrifying, every time, every kiss since the first. Zach could feel it in his fingers. His toes. He pressed Alex back against the lockers, rattling under their weight, and kissed him deep and solid and real.

He still couldn’t believe it was happening. That it had happened in the first place.

Alex opened his eyes as he pulled back, half-lidded, crinkled and smiling. Zach couldn’t help it; he wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist and hugged him, his head on Alex’s shoulder.

“Zach?” Alex asked. There was humor in his voice. “You good?”

“ _You’re_ good,” Zach told him, muffled in his neck. “So good.”

Alex leaned into the hug, wrapping his arms around Zach’s back. “No,” he said, “you are.”

“I said it first.”

“Are you twelve?”

Zach pulled back and carded his hands through Alex’s hair and kissed him again, firmly, like he’d wanted to for months. God. “Come on,” he said. “We’re gonna be late.”

/

 **Alex:** i’m sitting at a table in the back

 **Jessica:** ok sorry im gonna be a little late

 **Jessica:** be there in 10

/

 **Zach:** do u need me to pick u up?

 **Justin:** nah clay’s mom can drop me off

/

It was after graduation, and Justin was alone where he was leaning against the wall, nursing a beer and staring out over the crowd. Zach shouldered his way over. “Hey,” he said, loud over the music.

“Hey,” Justin said, moody. He took a sip from his cup.

Zach followed his gaze into the crowd and saw the tangle of people dancing, lit by strobe lights. He thought he knew what Justin was so distracted over; Jessica and Alex were down there, dancing together. He looked at Justin. “You good?”

“Oh, yeah,” Justin said, drawing it out into a long, sarcastic blur. “Totally.”

Zach didn’t want to prod too deeply; he left it, a lingering sour note. “Hey,” he said, “did you see Scott playing pong earlier? Dude was so shitfaced, he didn’t even hit the table.”

Justin snickered into his cup. He seemed to rouse at that, the semblance of normality. “Fuck, man,” he said. “Like, he’s a baseball player, you would think – ”

“Right?” Zach said, and for a moment there was nothing between them – no tapes, no Hannah, no Jessica or Bryce or drama. He was reminded of when Justin had first swaggered onto the baseball field with his aggressive confidence, his shoes almost falling apart at the seams, fitting in effortlessly among the team. He was reminded, all at once, that maybe he’d missed this.

“So fucking wasted,” Justin said, and he turned to grin at Zach.

“Fucking rookies,” Zach said, not missing a beat. He grinned back.

/

Alex was waiting with a plain espresso, nothing else in it, when Jessica showed up. He was messing with his cup. There was nothing else to do; he was contemplating going up to the blackboard and changing what he’d written when Jessica sat down, putting down her coffee, dumping her bag by her chair. She looked – good. Her tan had darkened. Her hair was lighter, and curlier, and twisted upwards in a careless knot.

She was trying not to look nervous. That much Alex knew.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” he replied.

They smiled, awkwardly, until her phone buzzed. She leaned down to pull it out of her bag and rattled off a text and put her phone face-down on the table, between them. “Sorry,” she said, “that was for my dad, you know how he gets – like, overly anxious or whatever.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, meaningless, senseless. The silence was beginning to get – terrible.

She bit her lip. “How have you been?” she asked.

He didn’t know what to tell her. He’d kissed Zach, he wanted to say, just to see the look on her face. He was probably bi. He was probably going to community college. He wanted to get out of California, too, like Zach was doing, like Jessica was doing – head to the East Coast, away from the mess of everything here.

He said, “Pretty good.” Then, in a gesture of sympathy – “How are you?”

“Not bad,” Jess said. “I mean – yeah. It’s been an interesting few months.”

Alex had to laugh at the understatement of it all. “Jesus,” he said. “You can call it a shitstorm if you want, okay? Like, I don’t mind. In fact, I’d wholeheartedly agree.”

Jess laughed. Actually laughed, sounding giddy and relieved and anxious. “Okay,” she said, “okay, fair,” and picked up her coffee. She was smiling as she studied him, and he found he didn’t mind.

“Okay then,” she said. “Really. What have you been up to?”

/

They were curled on the bed. Golden hour had come and gone, leaving everything in shades of blue, and Alex laid his hand on Zach’s neck and felt his pulse, slow and comforting, beneath his fingers.

Zach said, sleepily, “When did you know?”

“Middle school,” Alex said. “Late in seventh grade. I can tell you exactly who it was. You remember Steve Morris?”

Zach laughed. “Him? Really?”

“He sat next to me in orchestra,” Alex said, wistfully. “He was so nice.”

“I was in elementary school, probably,” Zach said. “I don’t know. I just thought this was how everyone felt. I thought I wanted to be really, really good friends with the boys I liked.”

Alex snickered.

“I really liked Taylor Lautner,” Zach said.

“From Twilight?”

“From Twilight.”

“God,” Alex said. “You’re killing me here.”

“As if you didn’t have a tiny little crush on him,” Zach said. “Tell me you didn’t.”

“I did not,” Alex said.

“That’s cold, Standall.”

“When did you know about – us?” Alex asked, and the smile on Zach’s face grew softer, fonder.

“It was this slow realization,” he said. “One day I looked up and I thought, like – oh. What if?” He traced the little alien tattoo on Alex’s forearm. “I didn’t know whether you liked me back. Or if you even liked guys.” He paused. “And then you started dating Jess again, and I thought I’d lost my chance.”

There was a pause. Alex sighed.

Zach said, “What’s wrong?”

“I loved her,” Alex said. “For the longest time. My thoughts would always go back to her. Even after she broke up with me and started dating Justin, I hoped that she’d, like, come to her senses and come back to me.”

It was getting too dark to see Zach’s expression.

“But it’s been months,” he said. “She’ll always have that corner of me. And I miss how close we were because, like – before it all, we were friends, you know? We always have been. Even after we broke up the first time.” The words tumbled out of his mouth, rushed. “But you – I’ve never liked anyone the way I liked you. We’re just good, you know? We’re so good. You make me feel so happy, and safe, and there aren’t any complications or conditions. There isn’t drama in the way. I just like you. So much.”

Zach exhaled. It was dark, now, with only Alex’s words between them.

“I knew,” Alex said, “from the moment I woke up, and you were by my bed, and you were so fucking kind to me, and – you just _see_ me. Everything I am. And you like me anyway. Do you know how that makes me feel?”

Zach’s voice was quiet. “You’re so – ” he said, and then he leaned forward and kissed him and Alex curled a hand in his shirt and everything was warm, and still, and time slid by like sand.

/

Zach looked at Justin out of the corner of his eye. He was gunning down combatants with gleeful abandon, and looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.

He said, “Alex and I are dating.”

Justin nearly dropped his controller. They stared at each other for a second.

Justin said, “Are you now.”

“Yeah,” Zach said. He felt considerably better now that this was out in the open. He had been wanting to tell someone. “I mean, I think so.”

“Christ,” Justin said, but he was interested, now, staring at Zach like he’d never seen him before. “I didn’t think you were – ”

“Believe me, dude, I didn’t either. Not before this summer. I mean, I’ve always – but Alex is the first guy I’ve, you know.” He blushed. “Made a move on.”

“Huh,” Justin said. “Well. I’m not surprised it was Alex.”

Zach laughed, a little helplessly. “Really?”

“Uh, yeah,” Justin said. “You were helping him with _physical therapy_ a lot at the end of the year.” He winked, unsubtle and terrible.

“Please don’t ever wink at me again,” Zach said.

Justin cackled. “Too sexy for you?”

Zach shoved him and Justin shoved him back and it was all blessedly normal, how they were just fucking around like dumb teenage boys. Justin tried to put him in a headlock. He grabbed Justin’s arms and tried to twist out of it and got them both pulled off the bed for his trouble. There was a wiry strength that belied how skinny Justin was. They landed with a bruising thump on the floor and lay there, panting, laughing.

Justin asked, breathless, “Did you say that you weren’t sure whether you and Alex were dating?”

“We haven’t really talked about it,” Zach confessed. “But we have been kissing on the regular, so, like. That’s dating, right?”

“Not necessarily,” Justin said. “Me and Jess are fucking on the regular, but she says we’re not dating.”

“What, really?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Something about her not being ready. I don’t want to push it.”

“I thought – huh.” Zach stared up at the ceiling. “Well, if it ain’t broke.”

“Exactly.” Justin patted his thigh, near which he was sprawled. “Well, _you_ should probably talk about it.”

“I guess,” Zach said. “Well. We have the whole summer.”

“It’ll be over before you know it, you know.”

Zach felt a pang in his chest. Awareness, spearing his heart and taking his breath with it. He closed his eyes. “Damn,” he said. “You’re right.”

Justin lay there in contemplative silence. “Yeah,” he said finally. “I’m not ready for summer to be over.”

Zach asked, “Are we ever?”

“Nah, but this year is different,” Justin said. “Last year before college, right? Last year before high school’s officially over. Before things change.”

Zach said, wrecked, “Jesus.”

“You good?” Justin twisted around and looked at him. “Christ, Dempsey, we’ve still got two months. I didn’t mean to – ”

“Don’t worry, it’s not you,” Zach said, wiping at his eyes. “These past few months have just been – a lot. And I don’t know whether I should be glad to be leaving or sad to be going.”

“Hey,” Justin said. His smile was rueful, sad. “No one said it couldn’t be both.”

/

Alex dreamed he was a tree.

This was not strange, really. It had happened before. He watched himself, distant, dreaming, as his roots dug into the ground and his leaves stretched up towards the sky, towards the glaring sun, towards the banked clouds in the distance. Some part of him said, _Rain_.

 _Yes_ , he thought, and closed his eyes, and grew.

/

 **Jessica:** uh idk if this is private but ur dating zach???

 **Alex:** what the fuck lmao

 **Jessica:** justin told me

 **Alex:** how the fuck did he

/

“Just think about it,” his dad was saying. “You can transfer to one of the UC’s after you do a year or two at community – it’s a good way to get credits, right? And it’s cheaper, and you can live at home and commute.”

Alex made a noncommittal sound and looked out the window.

“I’m just saying,” his dad said, pulling into a parking space.

Alex sighed. “I know,” he said. “I know, I just – I wish I didn’t have to think about it.”

His dad frowned. “Alex – ”

“I know I have to,” he said. “I just – I’ll think about it. Okay? Give me some time.”

He sighed. “Alright,” he said, his voice gentler than Alex expected. “Time. Got it.”

Alex got out of the car. “I knew there was a reason you asked me to come grocery shopping,” he said ruefully. “You never ask me to go grocery shopping. I should’ve known.”

“Well, it’s about time anyway,” his dad said. “You know, kid, I should start teaching you these things. You’ll have to start cooking on your own soon. I won’t be there to do it for you forever.”

“What will I do without you?”

“Starve, probably,” his dad said. He clapped him on the back. “Don’t worry. I’ll ease you into it.”

“Great,” Alex said, dryly.

His phone vibrated as they wandered through the store.

 **Zach:** ………uh.

 **Zach:** i’m so sorry if u wanted to keep it on the dl i didn’t know

 **Zach:** idk it was too big to keep to myself

“Uh,” someone said. “Hey.”

He looked up.

“Alex,” Justin said.

“Oh, fuck,” Alex said, reflexively.

His dad said, sternly, “Hey. Watch the mouth, kid.” He extended a hand to Justin, who shook it obediently. “Sorry about my son,” he told him. “How’re you doing, Justin?”

“I’m good, sir,” Justin said.

“Living with the Jensens now, I’ve heard?”

“Yeah, they – ” Justin scratches his head. “They, uh, adopted me. Or they’re in the process of doing it, it’s a lot of paperwork, but – yeah.”

“They’re good people,” his dad said approvingly.

“Yeah, definitely,” Justin said. “They’ve been really nice to me. Crazy nice.”

Alex stared. The conversation happening in front of him felt surreal.

“Been a while since you’ve come over,” his dad was telling Justin. “Why don’t I leave you boys to catch up? Alex? You can find me in the next aisle over.”

With a significant glance at Alex – he could practically hear him saying _make more friends!_ – he left.

Alex’s mind was blank.

Justin stuffed his hands in his pockets. “So,” he said, nervous.

“I – don’t even know what to say,” Alex said. “I had so many things I thought about saying the next time I saw you, and they’re just – all gone.”

Justin took a deep breath. “Well, do you mind if I say something?”

“I – ” Alex shrugged. “Go for it.”

“I’m sorry,” Justin said, all in a rush. “I’m – I’m fucking sorry. It was shitty. I know. I shouldn’t have done it, and most of all, I shouldn’t have let it go on. You have every right to be mad. Like – ” Justin spread his hands helplessly. “I – I slept with your fucking girlfriend. That’s so fucking sleazy. I’m just – God. I’m sorry. Again.”

Alex looked at him, the nervous, repentant figure in front of him, and thought about how long he’d carried this sadness, and inadequacy, and jealousy – ever since Jessica had dated him the first time – lodged inside his chest. All that directed at the boy in front of him with his hands in his pockets, looking at him pleadingly.

He took a deep breath, and he closed his eyes, and he let it go.

When he looked back up, Justin was staring at him, still wearing that air of penance.

“At least you felt bad about it,” Alex offered.

Justin’s shoulders crumpled with relief. “Jesus,” he said, sounding more like himself. “You have no fucking clue, man.”

Alex felt himself smiling, reluctantly. “Yeah, well,” he said. “You – acknowledged it, you’ve been beating yourself up over it for months, and like – I’m done. Me and Jessica are done. We weren’t as good together as we thought we were. And I’m – fine.”

As soon as he said it, he realized the truth of it. He was fine. He was fine, he was okay – the first time he’d said those words in a long, long time and meant it, every word.

He was okay.

He breathed it in, reveled in it, let himself go.

Justin was looking at him, a tentative smile on his face, his brow still furrowed.

“Besides,” he added, because Justin knew, “I’ve moved on.”

Justin’s smile opened up and he laughed, delighted, and Alex couldn’t help but smile back. “Damn, Standall,” he said. “You and Zach – gotta say, I didn’t see it coming.”

Alex shrugged. “Who did?” he said. He felt at ease, like weight had been taken off his shoulders. “I’m just glad that it happened.”

“I’m glad too,” Justin offered. He was smiling at him. “He’s a good guy. A good friend.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “Definitely. A better friend than I’ve deserved, sometimes.”

Justin reached out, tentatively. When Alex didn’t flinch away, he clapped him on the back. A show of brotherly camaraderie. “We’ve all been there,” he said. “Like I said – he’s a good guy.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “He really is.”

A pause. Justin opened his mouth, closed it, and then said, finally, “Well. I guess I’ll – go.”

“Oh,” Alex said. He considered holding a hand out for Justin to shake and stopped himself just in time. “Okay. Well, uh…”

“I’m glad we talked,” Justin said.

“I am too,” Alex said, and found that he meant it. “I’ll see you around, Justin.”

“Yeah,” Justin said. He smiled. “See you.”

/

 **Zach:** i needed to tell someone abt it u know?

 **Zach:** and justin…………he’s not a bad person u know

 **Zach:** alex?

 **Alex:** i know

 **Alex:** it’s okay

/

“I don’t know,” Alex said, toying with his cup. “It’s very – new.”

Jessica squinted at him. They were sitting in the window seat at Monet’s, which Alex was beginning to regret – it was quickly getting hot, and he was wearing one of his customary cardigans. “Okay, but you guys have been hanging out since January. Is it really that weird?”

“That’s not what I mean,” Alex said.

“Okay.” Jessica settled back in her chair, picking up her cup. “Then what do you mean?”

Alex stared at his coffee. He’d opted, cautiously, for a mocha with whipped cream and cinnamon on it. The cream was sinking slowly into the cup. “He’s seen the worst of me,” he said.

Jessica raised an eyebrow.

“He’s seen me be a whiny bitch in PT and get stupidly angry and heard me talk about my dick, and like – ” Alex dug into the whipped cream with a spoon. “It’s weird. Being with someone who knows you like that. That – intimately.”

She huffed a laugh. “Alright,” she said. “I can see that.”

There was a note of wistfulness in her voice. Alex looked at her, and then back down at his cup. “Anyways, it’s not that I didn’t want to tell you,” he said. “I thought I’d keep it to myself for now – take some time to think about it… What about you? What’s with you and Justin?”

The question caught her off guard, and Alex could see it. “Me and Justin?” she repeated. “Do you really want to talk about us?”

Alex had to laugh. “It is kind of ridiculous,” he said. “Us, talking about the guy you – ”

He could see her tense.

“ – broke up with me for,” he finished.

She relaxed, fractionally. “I don’t know how you stand it,” she said, sounding ashamed.

Alex said, “I really did move on, Jess.”

They looked at each other, and in it was everything that had come between them: Justin, Hannah, Bryce, time and distance and heartache. Jessica looked so – adrift. Lost, and vulnerable, with so few anchors to pull her down.

“I don’t know if I did,” Jessica said.

Alex said, “Jess – ”

“We’ll never be the same again,” Jessica said. “Will we?”

He didn’t have an answer.

/

“Come on, May,” Zach said, quietly. “Wake up.”

She was already awake. Obediently, she put on her backpack and followed him downstairs, where his mom was putting oranges and buns in a plastic bag. “Oh, there you are,” she said. “Do you want to eat something? There are pork buns in the microwave.”

Zach took them out, wincing at the steam that scalded his fingertips, and let them cool off for a bit before offering one to May. She was putting a water bottle in her backpack, and shook her head at the bun.

“More for me,” he said.

Zach’s mom put the food in the backseat with May – “Don’t let it fall over,” she warned – and drove to the grocery store. They waited while his mom hurried inside, wrapping her coat around her.

May was quiet. Zach thought she was asleep until she stirred and whispered, “It’s cloudy out.”

Zach looked outside. “Don’t worry,” he said. “I don’t think it’ll rain.”

May said, “It looks like how I feel.”

Zach’s mom got back into the car and handed a bouquet of colorful wildflowers to Zach. He held them in his lap and cradled the flowers so they wouldn’t jolt with the car.

And then when they got out of the car, finally, the cemetery loomed large in front of them: hills full of gravestones, as far as Zach could see, and wreathed with early morning fog. They were the only ones there. The clouds drifted by. Silently, the three of them made their way across the headstones to a plot by a tree – black granite, dark and prominent against the hills, with the words _Robert Dempsey_ engraved in gold serif font _._

The grass over the plot looked newly grown. Zach took care not to step on it.

May took out the water bottles she’d packed, and a stack of napkins. Zach’s mom laid out the food – in aluminum tins, crackling loudly in the quiet – at the base of the stone as offerings. They usually only brought food for Ancestors’ Day in April, but today marked a year after his death, and they had all felt it required some formality. Zach took a few napkins, wet them, and started wiping the bird shit and dirt and grass off the headstone.

“We pay for cleaning, too, in this cemetery,” Zach’s mom said, fussy, “you would think – ”

“Mom,” May said. “Please.”

Zach looked at her. Her face was scrunched up in a twelve year old’s grief, her lip trembling.

Their mom fell silent.

They cleaned the headstone in silence, and then when it was polished and gleaming and clean again Zach’s mom arranged the flowers in a vase on the headstone, clearing out the old, broken stems. And then they knelt before the grave, their heads bowed and their hands clasped, and Zach closed his eyes and thought, _Hey, Dad._

When he had bowed three times, slow and deep as respect demanded, he looked up again. He saw May, her lips moving silently as if talking. There were tears falling down her face and her shoulders were shaking, but she wasn’t making a sound – just little hiccup-y breaths, the type you make when you’re crying and you don’t want anyone to know. And then he looked at his mom. She had one hand on the newly grown grass and her head bowed against her knee, her eyes closed, holding herself so perfectly still.

It had been a year.

He watched a tear run down his mother’s cheek.

“Mom,” May said, quiet, and Zach knew she had seen, too, that he hadn’t imagined it.

“Sorry,” their mom said. She wiped the tear away as if it had done her wrong, personally, and straightened up. She bowed. And then she put her hand on the grave again, and patted it, as if she could reach straight through the ground and reach him, her husband, their father. “Goodbye, Robert,” she said, quietly, and took a deep breath and started picking up the food.

When they got back to the car, Zach stepped towards their mom and hugged her, his head on her shoulder.

“Oh,” she said, surprised. “Zach – ”

May reached up and hugged them, too. Zach could feel her arms around his waist. “I love you,” he said. To his mom, more vulnerable than he’d ever known. To both of them. “I love you.”

“I love you,” May said, and sniffled into his shirt.

“I love you too,” his mom said, “both of you, so much,” and wrapped her arms around them, and they stayed like that for what felt like an eternity.

/

“I couldn’t get used to not texting you,” Alex said.

“It was only a couple weeks.”

“Still.”

“I couldn’t either. Do you know how many times I saw something and thought, _Oh, if Alex were here_ – and then remembered – ”

Jessica stopped. Alex drank some of his mocha. They sat there in silence, watching passerby outside the café: the elderly, the families with laughing children, the couples holding hands.

“I wish – ”

A pause.

“Wish what?”

“That it could all go back to how it was before. Before any of this shit happened. Things were fucked up, sure, but – but we were dealing with it, you know? And then Hannah came along and ripped it all up.”

Alex said, “I’m glad she did.”

“Are you?” Jessica asked. She reached over and touched the scar, right above his ear.

He flinched away, and she dropped her hand. “Yes,” he said. “There were things at that school that needed to be – known.”

She looked away.

“Things change,” he said, “but it isn’t always for the worse.”

/

 **Zach:** hey what are u up to

 **Alex:** i’m with jess

 **Alex:** we’re at monet’s

/

“You can drop me off here,” Zach said.

His mom pulled over. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Zach said. “I’ll call you if I need to be picked up. Or I’ll get a ride home with someone.”

His mom patted his arm. “Okay,” she said. “As long as you get home safe.”

“I love you,” he said.

His mom’s eyes softened. “I love you too,” she said. “Go. I’ll see you later.”

/

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Zach said to Jess. He pulled out a chair, sat down. “Where’s Justin?”

“Off somewhere with Clay and his family,” Jess said. “Why, were you expecting him?”

“I didn’t know what to expect, honestly,” Zach said. “What have you been doing?”

“We’re just talking,” Alex said.

Zach knocked his foot against Alex’s under the table. “Yeah?”

Jessica and Alex exchanged a glance. Then Alex put his ankle against Zach’s and leaned back. “We were talking about Justin and Jessica,” he said.

Zach said, “Justin told me you weren’t dating?”

Jessica blew out a breath. “Yeah, well, it’s complicated.”

“You two are hooking up, right?” Zach asked.

She said slowly, “Yeah.”

“Friends with benefits?” he tried.

“I guess it would be,” Jessica said. “But it doesn’t feel right.”

Alex watched this with an amused expression. Now, he said, “Why not?”

Jessica looked at him, then down at her coffee. “He’s obviously – he’s attached,” she said.

“Wow,” Zach said. “You said that like you were talking about a stray dog.”

Alex snorted.

“Ugh,” Jessica said. “It feels so fucking narcissistic, but he, like, built up this image of me when he was gone during the school year, and it still hasn’t fully gone away. He looks at me like – ” She spread her hands, helplessly.

Alex said, “Like you deserve.”

There was no rancor left in his voice. The two of them looked at each other, and Zach was reminded of how close they had been before it all went to shit. He would have felt like he’d been excluded from something were it not for Alex’s ankle, hooked over his, a gesture of intimate, grounding simplicity.

Jessica looked at Zach. He cleared his throat. “You’ve been through a lot, Jess,” he said. “You deserve someone who treats you right.”

She wiped her eyes. “I don’t want to date him because I’m scared I’ll fucking break him,” she said. “Like how I fucked up with you, Alex. I’m – I’m all damage.”

Zach took Alex’s hand under the table.

Alex said, quietly, “Aren’t we all?”

/

They were sitting on the bed, and Zach had his shirt off.

“I don’t know how I don’t get a boner every time we do PT,” Alex said, tracing a hand over Zach’s chest. The muscle under his skin was evident: his shoulders were broad and his arms were corded, his abs defined. Alex didn’t know whether he wanted to touch him or be him. It was a strange and guilty thought.

Zach was blushing. “Stop.”

Alex looked up at Zach through his lashes and bit his lip, and under his hand, he felt Zach’s heart jump. “You’re just really hot,” he said.

Zach said, low and rough, “Take your shirt off.”

/

 **Zach:** hey u mind if alex comes?

 **Justin:** nah ofc not

/

Justin crowed as he shot the last combatant. “Take that, Standall,” he said, gleeful.

“Ugh,” Alex said, and tossed his controller aside. “Fuck this game.”

“Awww,” Zach cooed, dropping his controller too. He reached for Alex and bowled him over, squashing him onto the carpet. “Poor Alex, can’t win at Halo anymore.”

“Shut up,” Alex said from under him, muffled. “This, coming from a guy who can’t make it past fifth in Mario Kart.”

“You weren’t supposed to tell anyone! I’m getting better.”

Justin threw a pillow at them. “Keep it in your pants, kids.”

Zach planted a wet, noisy smack on Alex’s temple, which Alex tried ineffectually to fight off, and sat up. “Jealous?”

“Never,” Justin said.

“Ugh,” Alex said, wiping at his temple. “God, that was, like, so fucking wet.”

“You’re welcome,” Zach said.

/

Zach’s arms were aching, but Alex was pliant and warm and open beneath him, and he never wanted to stop kissing him.

Alex said, “Your arms are shaking.”

“I know,” Zach said reluctantly, and he pulled away. “It’s like doing a plank – you try it.”

“I’d rather not,” Alex said, and sat up and pushed him down onto the bed and climbed up to straddle his hips. Zach was instantly, embarrassingly hard.

Alex rolled his hips forward, his eyes gleaming. “Is that a banana in your pocket, or – ”

“You can’t blame me,” Zach hissed.

Alex laughed and laughed, and pulled off his shirt, and Zach reached out to touch him and then nearly had an aneurysm when Alex started taking off his pants, too.

“Whoa,” he said. “Is this happening?”

Alex stopped, his pants at his knees. “Uh,” he said. “Do you want it to?”

In response, Zach undid his belt, and then his fly, and dropped his shorts off the side of the bed. Alex’s eyes widened and he kicked his pants away, then climbed right back up onto Zach’s hips, and rolled his hips over and over until finally he rubbed a tentative hand right over Zach’s dick and Zach’s brain whitened out at the touch.

When he came back around, Alex was staring at him with wide, lust-dark eyes, his hand still on Zach’s now wet boxer briefs.

“Ugh,” Zach said.

“God,” Alex said, “that was so fucking hot,” and he pulled down his boxers and Zach reached for him and together, their hands working in tandem, Alex came: all over his hand, and Zach’s, and Zach’s chest.

Zach couldn’t help it. He sat up, jolting Alex forward, and kissed him, hard, messy and open and fierce. Alex kissed him back, ignoring the mess between them, and finally pulled away when things started getting dry and sticky.

“Ew,” he said, touching his fingers together.

“Yeah, okay,” Zach said, and fell back onto the bed. “That’s gross.”

Alex groaned. And then he carefully climbed off Zach’s lap and went to go find tissues while Zach lay in bed and tried to catch his breath. “You’re amazing,” he said, when Alex came back with a wad of wet paper towels. He sat up to wipe his hand off.

“Lazy ass,” Alex said, accusingly, but he was smiling. He wiped Zach’s chest off, and then cupped his cheek and kissed him, slow and lingering.

Zach ran his hands through Alex’s hair and let him pull away, just slightly, and then he said, quietly, “I love you.”

Alex blinked at him. And then he kissed Zach again, and again and again and again, until they were sprawled back on the bed and he said, breathless, “I love you too.”

Zach wrapped his arms around him and held him close. “Does this mean we’re dating?”

Alex looked at him, puzzled. And then he kissed his way up Zach’s throat until he was leaning over him, his forehead against his. “Zach,” he said. “Did you think we weren’t?”

“Oh, fuck,” Zach said.

Alex was laughing at him. Zach pulled him down to get him to stop.

/

They were in Monet’s again. They always were, in some configuration or another.

“I’m leaving on the sixteenth,” Jessica said. “What about you?”

“The eighteenth,” Zach said. “God. It feels too close.”

“So in two weeks,” Justin said, “you two are gonna be running off to the East Coast, while I'm stuck here."

“I’ve been thinking of it as running for the past two years,” Jessica said. “Escaping to Michigan, and never coming back – like, there was nothing for me here. But now I think – ” She glanced hesitantly at Zach, and Alex, and then looked at Justin. “I don’t want to think of it like that anymore. I’ll be coming back. If only to see you guys. Because you – you make being here worthwhile.”

Zach said, “Awww.”

Justin took her hand and smiled, small and hopeful and sweet, and Alex had to look away. “You’ll have me, at least. Over here,” he said.

Justin turned to look at him. “Yeah?”

“Community college,” he said. “I enrolled yesterday.”

“Did you actually?” Zach asked. “Good for you.”

Justin flashed him a wistful smile. “Well, I’ll be getting my GED. I’m going to community college next year. Or I’ll apply to a California university.”

“I’ll probably transfer in two years,” Alex told him. “You could do the same.”

“Yeah,” Justin said. “Maybe.”

A pause.

Clouds skidded by outside, banking, turning the sky iron gray. The trees swayed in the wind.

“Listen,” Zach said. “Why don’t we go somewhere?”

Jessica glanced at Alex. “The beach?”

“I like the beach,” Alex said. “Better than the pool, at any rate.”

“Not now,” Jessica said. A few drops of rain splashed against the window.

“No, of course not,” Justin said. “Saturday?”

“Family dinner,” Zach said. “We’re better off Friday.”

“Friday’s good,” Alex said.

Jessica was smiling, helplessly. “I’m good for Friay,” she said, and it was like sealing a pact, like making a vow. It was friendship, tentative and sweet: hard-earned, and growing despite all odds.

Rain spattered the windows. It puddled on the asphalt outside and made the world seem dark and quiet and close, and leaves dripped water on the sidewalks, and the air smelled of fresh and new things.

They would make it.

They would live their lives beyond this year, and slowly time would slip by until they had forgotten the horror and fear and shame, and, inevitably, each other. It was a painful thing to be consigned to oblivion; even worse to be aware of it, looming, unshakeable.

But it was bearable together.

It was this: running through the rain to Jessica’s car, shrieking and laughing and fumbling for car doors, seatbelts. It was fingers interlaced through each other’s and the smell of sweet coffee and rain, soaked jackets dumped in the trunk, and the close, humid warmth that kept fogging up the windows.

It was summer.

They were leaving. Change was on the horizon.

Life went on.

 

 

 

.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from torrent by asgeir:
> 
> _Torrents wash away_  
>  _Everything_  
>  _Raindrops flowing all around_


End file.
